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Chaos Across the Globe: The Earth is Flat!

SPENCER MCLEAN

Sports Editor

A shock to many came earlier today through photos leaked by NASA: A massive disc-like object floating through the dark and quiet vacuum of space. The internet quickly caught hold of this image and after identifying some major land masses, they recognized the object as our very own planet Earth. Though some of us were previously convinced by the government and other sources that our planet is a sphere, we must begin to come to terms with the fact that the Earth is flat. 

Of course, there is some confusion among scientists and astrologists alike, as new explanations must be made for certain shipping routes, Antarctica being on the “south pole”, and astrological events such as eclipses. The government has a lot of explaining to do as well. The vast array of spherical earth photos has taken its toll on the trust of the people. There is quite a lot of rebuilding to be done.

Image courtesy of Creative Commons

Flat Earth, illustration. Many ancient cultures thought the Earth was flat. Modern science has shown that the Earth is spherical, and this was also known to the Ancient Greeks (including Pythagoras and Aristotle). Modern flat Earth societies exist that promote the concept of a flat Earth.

While that process is underway, it appears that the Catholic Church has regained a position of power in society, alarmingly similar to their position in the 1500, before astrology and science stole the faith of millions. The Pope has already announced plans to sue Galileo’s remaining relatives to punish their ancestors’ “wrong, harmful, and blasphemous” ideas.  

Anyways, it is clear that this momentary disruption in the world has caused quite a lot of chaos, so we can apprehensively await anything from the US invading a foreign country for oil, people rushing to stock up on toilet paper, intense gravity fluctuations in the months to come, Disney purchasing and ruining yet another franchise, and actors smacking each other across the face in public. While our present day Isaac Newtons toss apples at each other in hopes of stumbling upon how gravity works on our newly discovered disc, we will wait patiently for the worst. Good luck and godspeed. 

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Spencer Mclean

Sports Editor

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