San Marcos High School ~ Santa Barbara, CA

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San Marcos to Crackdown on Number of Slow Walkers, will Follow Slow Students with Golf Cart and Airhorn

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Slow students get busted by ruthless campus security

Road rage is real. But, talked about much less are the dangers of sidewalk rage. Too many students suffer from the damaging effects of being stuck behind slow walkers intent on ruining everyone else’s day and Admin has finally made a change to try to mitigate this harmful issue.

 “The neurological damage that is created from any kind of road rage, whether in a car or walking is actually just as harmful to young brains as alcohol and drugs,” said psychologist Slowe Wauker, who specializes in different types of rage. “It can have lasting negative impacts on student’s learning and on their lives.”

After complaints from many different students, Admin has announced plans to crack down on the number of slow walkers here at San Marcos. It is a joyous day for all the rule followers, long legged people, and cross country runners as they will no longer be stuck behind that one couple who is really milking their time together or that other group who does nothing but text on their phones as they meander slowly through the main hallway.

With the help of security personnel, Admin will be maliciously patrolling the campus on the lookout for anyone walking suspiciously slow. In addition to following the students and giving out slowing tickets, security and Admin will be adding some instrumental accompaniment to move slow students along in the form of air horns. Finally, Admin has announced there will be no exceptions for hurt or injured students.

“We’re very excited about these changes,” said [member of Admin]. “We think it will really make lasting positive impacts to our school’s community.”

Repeated offenders will also receive special shoes with special technology that will make them walk faster.

“This is really good news,” said sophomore Spee Dee Gonzalez, a notoriously fast walker. “Now I won’t get into so many sidewalk feuds and I can just enjoy my passing periods and not be late to class.”


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