2,000 students. 2,000 voices. 2,000 dreams. How does one carry the weight of 2,000 people? What kind of person does it take? These are the questions students asked themselves on March 13th at the Greek Theater as San Marcos prepared to vote in the only 2024 election that matters. The election for our next ASB cabinet. But folks, the polls are back and it’s time to meet your new government.

The Student Board Representative

While Franklin Jaramilla III pulled off an impressive victory against a rival who did not show up, unlike the other ASB members, his battle’s not been won yet. Jaramilla still has to face the Dos Pueblos and the Santa Barbara candidates for the coveted Student Board Representative title. However, Jaramilla does not seem daunted by this task. 

“I’m going to win them over like I won over San Marcos, through the art of performance,” said Jaramilla. This time, he won’t just be belting Adele, he plans to scare the competition with his sickly, stanky leg.

If selected, in his first meeting with the board, Jaramilla promises to replace every single board member with Harding Elementary Pre-K students so that they might do better at paying teachers a living wage. 

“How am I going to make that happen? Filibuster,” said Jaramilla

The filibuster—an action such as a prolonged speech that obstructs progress in a legislative assembly while not technically contravening the required procedures.

Jaramilla will pressure the board with a 10 hour dubstep mashup of Lil Yachty’s “Slide” with Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” using the world’s best instrument—the human mouth.

“Brra, ch, OH, chc, uh uh, Slidn’ , ah ah MY HEART WILL, uh ch ch,” said Jaramilla. 

To our brave representative, know that the entire student body is rooting for you. We pray that he can perfect his dance moves before his battle against the Dos Pueblos and Santa Barbara candidates. 

May that leg stank.

The Treasurer

The students of the San Marcos should feel blessed enough to have Miles Moore—someone who has had five concussions—handle the school’s finances. 

Evidently, Moore has stepped into his role as treasurer. Donning the elegant “bitcoin drip” (use the referral code MOORE2024 for 2% off your purchase), eyes glued to the market, and enrolled in the online course “How to Become An Aggressive Hand-talker” (use the referral code MILES4MILES for 0.42% off your first masterclass)—it’s safe to say that Moore is becoming someone that the public will respect, and someone that women will avoid talking to. 

When asked about his plans for the ASB’s future, the treasurer went on to describe his goals for the year.

First, Moore pledges to end every one of his sentences with the mantra, “Big money, big moves.” “It’s my life philosophy. Big money, big moves,” said Moore.

Secondly, Moore hopes to pool “every penny” of San Marcos funding into Boeing stocks. “Their stocks can’t crash as badly as their airplanes. Big money, big moves.” He wants royals to be prepared to see their money flying—right out the nearest Alaskan passenger door. When questioned about the recent Boeing whistleblower incident, Moore had this to say, “………….Big money, big moves.”

Third, the treasurer hopes to increase financial literacy in the San Marcos student body. “Every student deserves the chance to navigate our increasingly commercial world, and they can start this process by signing up for my hybrid podcast-masterclass-interpretive dance lesson on my website, www.MakeMooreMoney.com. Big money, big moves.” The site guarantees that every student will make bank *so long as they can successfully evade the IRS.

Finally, Moore had this to say. “My biggest plan this year is going be huge. Big money, big moves. The students, the faculty, the nation is not ready for this. Big money, big moves. This will go down in history. Big money, big—”

Moore was unfortunately unable to finish his last thought before being assaulted by a local high school journalist. Coincidentally, setting him on track for concussion number six.

The Secretary

Our next member needs no introduction. Tatianna Leyva, your totally normal, average high schooler, not a Hollywood superstar in disguise. 

She is just what this school needs, a secretary with a jawline that could theoretically kill a man, and the thousand yard stare of a sickly Victorian child. 

“I just thought that ASB would give me an even better chance to learn what high school life is really like,” said Leyva. 

It is unclear why Leyva keeps referring to the rest of her colleagues as “my little oompa loompas.” Her only justification was, “Once you go method, you don’t go back out,” said Leyva.

The VP

What does it mean to be a vice president? Webster’s dictionary defines it as, “Like a regular president, but smaller and less important.” 

However, no dictionary could ever confine new elect Talia Cummings to a backseat role. To Cummings, being a vice president means dedication, leadership, and betrayal. 

We were lucky enough to catch the VP just as she got her Chipotle lunch order. 

“I just think the word ‘vice’ isn’t really fitting me anymore,” said Cummings, halfway through her Chipotle crispy tortilla chips with a squeeze of lime and a dash of kosher salt.

When asked about her biggest inspirations she had quite the lengthy list. 

“I’d have to say Napoleon Bonaparte, probably Juliana Maria of Brunswick-Wolfenbüttel, oh and can’t forget about the Austrian Imperial Army,” said Cummings. Whether she was reading off a list of famous political coups, is unknown to the public. 

Unfortunately, we ran out of time to discuss more about government overhaul as we wanted to wrap up before Cummings’ lunch got cold—as cold as the traitorous knife she will plunge into the president’s back.

The President

Finally, the man of the hour himself, Kian Sterrn. 

Fearless, ambitious, and someone whose name was pronounced completely correctly over the loudspeaker, our future president is truly someone to respect. Ky-anne Starch managed to pull off an impressive victory over a non-existent rival candidate, an outcome absolutely no one expected. And yet, after delivering his fateful speech on the 13th, our president, Kristen Stewart, has remained strangely silent.

“You didn’t hear this from me, but they say his speech at the Greek Theater is the only time he’s stopped mewing to speak,” said Treasurer Leyva. 

“Now it wasn’t me who told you this, but I caught him watching lookmaxxing videos in his car,” said VP Cummings.

“Dude’s jawline is cut, he’s honestly looking super good. Like really good…” said Representative Jaramilla.

Kimberly Stnuffleupagus had this to say. 

“…”

A heartening message from Sturniolo, sure to usher a wave of invigoration across the student body.

The ASB

Royals should be reassured by our student government’s great character and compassion. It is completely evident that the good citizens of San Marcos High School can expect a bright future under the guidance of our new ASB Leadership.