Dear Lance,

I am so lost without love. What do I do?

Sincerely, 

Dejected Downer

Dear Dejected Downer, 

There’s so much to live for! You absolutely must go to watch the second Mario Movie when it comes out, and as we all know, your only purpose in life is to contribute to corporate greed. Consume, my child.

Sincerely,

Lance

 Dear Lance,

How do I make him fall in love with me?

Sincerely,

Loving Lady

Dear Loving Lady,

Take them to Buffalo Wild Wings. If your favorite football team does not win, make sure to yell at your date and then challenge him to fist fight. If this strategy does not work, Stockholm Syndrome will.

Sincerely,

Lance

Dear Lance,

How do I make my partner feel better after I accidentally got them sick while at a fancy party. They are a bit upset with me right now. Please help!

Sincerely,

Taken Tycoon

Dear Taken Tycoon,

There are three rules to keeping your partner happy: deny, deny, deny.

“I didn’t get you sick, it must have been the food, you always do this, it’s your friends isn’t it, they’ve never liked us.”

Sincerely,

Lance