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Santa is not Real: an Exposé

EVELINA ERICKSON and ELIZABETH LÉKA 

News Editor and Opinion Editor

DISCLAIMER: We are not arguing that the spirit of Santa is not real, nor that Saint Nicholas once existed. We are arguing that Santa Claus is not a  physical, human being, riding a sleigh delivering presents on Christmas night, around the world.

Ever sneak around the Christmas tree room at night to see if you could see Santa Claus putting the present you asked for under the tree… but you thought you saw your guardians and convinced yourself you saw Santa instead? Well, we are here to break the bad news to you. It was your parents that night. Your parents are the ones who have been falsely writing “Santa” on presents all this time. Unfortunately, Santa is not real, and we are here to prove that to you.

Scientifically, magic is not real. This needs to be understood for the rest of our argument to make sense. One San Marcos student understands. In the google form posted around campus they said, “That isn’t physically possible.” There has been no evidence to support that a man, his nine reindeer and his 29-foot sleigh could land and take off on a regular roof. The roof would collapse with no magic to support them. A standard roof can hold up to 34,000 pounds. Mr. Claus and all his reindeer and presents and sleigh would weigh very much more than that (according to NORAD’s Santa tracking program). 

In addition, the noise that Mr. Claus would make would be extremely loud with rattling presents, reindeer grunting and clicking their feet on the roof top and just the landing itself. It would also be very bright; shining through peoples’ windows at night, waking them up. There is no magic to silence that.

Santa is described as a fairly portly guy. Despite that, it is said that he squeezes down chimneys to get into people’s houses. Ignoring the legality of that, it makes no sense! How does he fit in the chimney in the first place? (Especially when there is no magic in the first place?) He is a pretty big guy and the logistics do not add up. (And do not even try to say magic. Just no.) Going back to the legality of the claims, that is literally trespassing! Some random guy is coming down your chimney, and wandering around in your house. (Remind anyone of Santa’s song when it says, “He sees you when you’re sleeping?”) Anyone else would go to jail for that, but I guess Santa gets some special exception. Also, some people do not have chimneys. How does Santa get in your house then?  He cannot just climb in through the window. The logistics just make no sense.  He cannot “float” through it. Most are glass, and if he broke it going through there would be a loud noise and no time to fix it. Maybe your window has a screen? Mr. Claus opens the screen and then puts it back? That sounds like a bit of an unsafe situation to leave sleeping families with kids in. Again, no magic to help him with any of this.

Image courtesy of Creative Commons

A person cannot live that long. As a San Marcos student said, “The legend of Saint Nick dates back to 280 A. D.” We fact-checked this and it is correct; he was born around this time. Later, he inherited a fortune, and devoted his life to giving it away and helping the sick and poor. Although this is an awesome story and shows the origins of the myth of Santa, there is no way that a person could still be alive. The oldest living person to live so far ever was Jeanne Calment, who lived to be a grand total of 122 years old! Congrats to Jeanne, but there is no way Saint Nick could live to be around 1,740 years old (and on).

We have parent confessions. I, Elizabeth, will never forget when I was told the first time that Santa isn’t real. Later that day, I confronted my parents about it, and was crushed to hear the news that they were Santa all along. I’m sure a lot of us have had similar experiences. In fact, a San Marcos freshman wrote, “My parents told me when I was 11, and when I thought about it, I realized it was true.” There are many other statements like this one from students on campus including a sophomore who wrote, “I’ve seen my parents setting up presents from ‘Santa’ 😦 .” “It’s the truth,” another sophomore said. Honestly, the fact that someone (parents) confessed to pretending to be Santa seals the deal, but these next two points are pretty good too. 

There is no possible, human-ly way Santa Claus can travel the whole world and deliver presents. (We’ve established that Mr. Claus is not magical, by the way.)  He would need to be traveling at 5,083,000 miles per hour to deliver presents to every household around the world. 

Finally, if Mr. Claus was real, why would he disappoint thousands of kids around the world? Wouldn’t he try to bring as much jolly, jolly, joy into people’s lives as he could? This fact is disappointing in itself. In reality there are  tons of people, children, in the world who are not as fortunate economically. These kids do not receive any presents because of this. Furthermore, part of making people (like San Marcos students) happy is giving them the presents they want. It is basically tradition in saying that Santa will bring you whatever present you want. That is literally the question “he” asks when kids would sit on his lap, but historically he has not lived up to his image. Two freshmen at San Marcos have reported: “I think he isn’t real because he didn’t bring me my present last year” and “I’ve been disappointed.” 

Now for the Santa slander! He is ageist, is basically the definition of animal cruelty, and Hermione would disapprove of his treatment of elves. Let’s debunk this. Santa only gives presents to kids. What about the adults? Santa treats his reindeer horribly. They have to fly so far without a break, which PETA should have more of a problem with. Elfish warfare is so important, but Santa does not even care! He does not pay the elves, they probably do not want to make toys all year, and they are not treated as equals! Santa’s platform is immoral, horrible, and disgustingly cruel. If Santa was in fact real (which he is not), he would inevitably be canceled. #cancelSanta!!!!!

To put it simply, Santa is not real. None of the logistics of his sleigh ride make sense; how does he get into your house, the noise levels, not breaking your roof, just how?? There is also no way that Santa would still be alive, because the human life span does not extend that far. We have parent confessions and testimonies from disappointed students, we have facts and evidence, we even have a hashtag! While 29.9% of students who filled out our survey agreed with us, the vast majority think that Santa is real. Hopefully after reading our article they will be convinced otherwise. But, if you still need more convincing, stay up on Christmas Eve and see if anyone comes down the chimney (spoiler alert: no one will)

Evelina Erickson

News Editor

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